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Found Love In Small Things

~ A World Of Grey ~

Depression is more than you think. 

Depression is when darkness has taken your light. 

You are scared.

You are forgotten.

You are alone.

You are hopeless.

You are left with your thoughts. 

Which are slowly eating you alive

This is what depression does to you. It makes you not want to live anymore. 

Those people who sit in their rooms at night cry themselves to sleep were once children with light in their eyes and hope in their heart. 

When there is no one to turn to, you inflict pain on yourself to cope up. And then the guilt comes in. People judge you. You wear longer sleeves and always hide your arms. Because there is a myth that those who practise self-harm are attention seekers. It’s a trend, they say. And for that you are afraid to share. But trust me, if you are going through the phase, confide in someone you trust. Confide in me if you want me as I’ll never judge you. I have been through that phase too. It’s addictive. It was hard for me to stop. But the people who love me pulled me through that edge. I want you to do the same. 

Depression makes you not want to do anything. You are unstable. You lack concentration, motivation. And forgive me if I promised to do something and I didn’t. 

People ask, 

“Are you okay?”

No, I am not. Not at all. I’m depressed. I have anxiety. My biggest fear is rejection. I want to tell someone. Maybe I should tell you. I need someone to hug me, tell me it’s all gonna be okay. I want to tell someone, I want to spill out everything. But what if I tell you and reject me? What if you think I’m asking for attention.

“I’m fine, just tired. Thanks though.” 

And that’s where we go wrong. We fail to express them. Sometimes, your worst fear do come true. They leave you. 

I have no one to turn to. I had friends who loved me but they’re gone. They were with me when no one else was. They were always for me and I failed them. And there’s nothing I can do to deserve their forgiveness. I get it. I deserve all the pain. That’s why I have become this mess. I turned to beer, caffeine, self harm to cope up. To go through pain, I inflicted on them. 

Even after they’re gone, you try so hard to get them back. But we can’t. Why do we try so hard for people who don’t try for us?

Trust me, I know how it feels to cry in the shower so no one hears you. I know exactly how it feels. 

And if you want anything. I am there. I will be there. I will not judge you. And do confide in people you love and trust. 

It’s the same game we’re all living in. Different levels. Different Devils. We need to beat this game. 

Look at your cuts, burns. Or those bruises you gave yourself. Each one is battle with yourself. That you lost. 

Depression, cutting is not a joke. It’s underrated, overlooked and mocked. What people need to learn is that this problem needs to be solved. It’s not a fashion statement, trend or a joke. 

If home is two arms holding you at your worst, then I am not home enough. 

10 and 11 December. ❤️

Those days will always be my most memorable days in my 18 years of life. 

I remember your face that lit through darkness at midnight. 

I remember how we danced to “Thinking out loud.” 

I remember singing songs together. 

I remember waking up to see the sunrise together. 

I remember feeling like home with you that day. 

You told me you loved me, so why did you go away? 

Ed Sheeran’s DIVIDE masterpiece. 

I am still not over this album. Probably will never be. By far in his journey, This album is his masterpiece and will forever be remembered as his best. This has to be “Album of the year” even when there are months of new music to come. So, let me take you through all the 16 songs of Divide and share my feelings on them. 

  • Eraser: Guitar is awesome. Ed rapping is my aesthetic. Also, 90s soulful pop ballad type of mood to it. 8/10 
  • Castle On The Hill: Perfect decision of this being single. It’s sweet and sad. The lyrics is just wow. 8.5/10 
  • Dive: Knew it when the guitar melody was familiar. The melody is similar to thinking out loud. Lyrics are more than good. It’s amazing! The chorus OMG. Sweet guitar solo. 9/10
  • Shape Of You: this is a fabulous. It was a single, what do you expect? Strong song. You can dance on this song the whole party and not get tired. 9/10 
  • Perfect: This is going to be the perfect song for Weddings. Perfect! Get it? 8/10
  • Galway Girl: Honestly? AWESOME AF. The Irish jig throughout it is perfect. This is my favourite, no doubt. 20/10 
  • Happier: Sad. Who left Ed? Who could leave this ginger Angel? This song ripped my heart out but it’s okay, it’s not my vital organ or anything. I cried at how much I could relate. It’s majestically sad song. 10/10 
  • New Man: “and his arsehole bleached.” DAYUM ED. A+ lyrics. This song is damn awesome. 8.5/10 
  • Hearts don’t break around here: another Ed classic to be at the weddings. Wonderful lyrics. That bridge tho. 7/10 
  • What Do I know: money and success aren’t everything. Nice meaning. Not my fav. 7/10
  • How would you feel (Paean): feels summery and field of flowers. That guitar solo. So sweet and melodic. 8/10 
  • Supermarket Flowers: DON’T CRY. Just a piano and Ed and his heart wrenching lyrics. About his grandmother. WHY WHY WHY THE CHORUS AVOID IT UNLESS YOU LIKE CRYING. 11/10 
  • Barcelona: Feels like I’m on a vacation. Amazing song to dance. Saxophone solo? I like it whatever it is. That Spanish at the end tho! 9.5/10 
  • Bibia Be Ye Ye: means all will be well. Instruments are great. Lyrics as well. Another winner! 9/10
  • Nancy Mulligan: about his grandparents. So sweet! Another song with Irish jig. I’M IN LOVE WITH IT. 10/10
  • Save Myself: Ed is feeling neglected, used and betrayed. I can feel you, Ed. Been through it. The best way to end the album! 9/10 

If you haven’t listened to all these masterpieces. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Go now! Listen. 

Suppressed memories

I was going through some blogs, where they shared their traumatic experiences of childhood. Reading those, an old memory of mine resurfaced. I suppressed my memory of one traumatic experience I had when I was around 7-8 years old. It’s been 10 years and I was successful in keeping this particular memory of mine hidden from everyone and from myself too. Today, it resurfaced and I want to share it with all of you.

The person I am today is because of this memory.

I was around 7 years old and our nuclear family visited my cousin’s house. I wasn’t familiar with them or the house or the neighbourhood. I was really chatty child. I was vibrant, cheerful and very social. My cousin sister was almost of same age as mine. She offered to me, “Hey, let’s go play outside with my friends!” As I was quite the energetic child, I ran with her to play outside in their neighbourhood. Apparently, her friends were boys of various ages. The oldest was around 12 or 13.

We played.

I don’t remember what we played or how we played. The memories are still foggy to me. I am far too good to suppress memories like they never existed.

But I remember running for my life. I remember running from the boys because I had seen they were rough with girls. And I didn’t want myself to be probed by them. I remember screaming, “Stop. I don’t want to play anymore.” And they didn’t pay heed to me. They continued to run after me. I was screaming and running. I wasn’t familiar with their neighbourhood and I lost my way. I found a shop and took shelter there. I pleaded the woman running the shop, “Save me. Please.” She merely laughed when the boys found me in the shop. She shooed me away. I ran from the back door. I ran and ran until I found my cousin’s home. I entered her house and locked myself in a spare room of theirs. I cried. I cried hard. Then I wiped my tears and I came out of the room and greeted my parents, aunts and uncles with a smile pretending nothing ever happened. Then, I locked myself away from this world.

I became what I am today because of this traumatic experience. I stopped meeting new people. I avoided making friends of opposite gender. I stopped going out of my house.

I realised, in this cruel world. It is always your fault.

  • Even if you say, “No.” They will not stop.
  • Even if you say, “Save me.” They will not save you.

People will blame me for this incident as I was the one who said “yes” to play with them.

Because that’s what people do.

  • Just because you agreed for a date, doesn’t mean you are allowing for a roofie.
  • Just because you are wearing bold dresses, doesn’t mean you are asking for it.
  • Just because you say “yes” for sex, doesn’t mean you are allowed to go rough and not stop when she’s hurt.

 

Say “Stop” when you’re hurt. And stop when one is hurt.

 

I am going to hurt many sexist people out there but I really don’t give a flying fudge.

~ Ankita Brahma, the girl who never recovered. ⚡️

Grey. ❤️

I went from good to bad. 

I went from normal to obsessive.

I went from dead excited about farewell to skipping it. 

I went from hating self-harm to getting addicted to it. 

I went from drawing margins in copies to writing with no margins.

I went from over-achiever to getting pass grades. 

I went from hating lipsticks to loving it.

I went from timid to bold and confident. 

I went from hating myself to loving everything about me. 

Because I learnt,

Never apologise for burning too brightly or collapsing into yourself every night because that’s how galaxies are made. 

Everything about me is not completely black or white. I am grey. And I don’t hate it. I am not entirely happy with myself but who is? We all are striving to make ourselves a better person. We all are. It’s this process of bringing out the best of us is what we call, “changing ourselves”. And I am happy. ❤️

Sometimes, my heart aches at how my life turned out. In a good way. It doesn’t mean there haven’t been hardships. There have been. But I am here. And here is good. 🌹


I’m happy just the way I am. And I know sometimes you feel like you can’t fight and I know sometimes you feel like you just can’t love yourself. When that happens, I want you to remember that you’re enough, you’re enough as you are. And I’ll try to remember that I am enough as I am. ❤️

Keep fighting

Inspirational Tuesday. ❤️

You are human.

You are not weak for feeling things. 

So get angry, make people regret ever wronging you. 

Be happy, smile so bright that the sun is jealous.

Be sad.

Crack, crumble, cry until your heart is no longer heavy.

Never let this cruel world steal your spark

– Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill.💕

Supernatural 

The show, Supernatural, is way more than just scary stuff. 

It’s about life, redemption, death, family. 

It’s about two brothers and a fallen angel choosing each other no matter what the consequences. 

Supernatural isn’t just a TV show for me. It’s my lifestyle. It taught me things about life and also how to kill everything. I remember watching the show and thinking I will be scared to death but I learnt many valuable things. That family is all we have and will never leave your back. 

Let me introduce you to –

 


DEAN WINCHESTER

Dean Winchester, the righteous man, the one who went to hell for his brother. He is my superhero with no special powers. He taught me that no matter what, sometimes you have to do things that are good for you even if it hurts the one you love. He showed me what love is. He taught me- 

 Family don’t end in blood. But it doesn’t start there either. Family cares about you. Not what you can do for them. Family’s there for the good, bad, all of it. They got your back even when it hurts. That’s family.

Dean went to hell for his little brother. Dean left his normal life for his brother. No matter what, he will always love his little brother, Sammy. 

Dean was always selfless and he never thought anyone could ever love him or care for him until an angel who touched his soul in hell and raised him from perdition. He didn’t understand love until an angel chose him over heaven. Again and again. He found love in his brother and an angel. 

Dean is the most beautiful character to ever exist. He can be an asshole but is loyal to his family and friends. He rocks out to Taylor Swift, enjoys cliché shows, loves his car to death. He is depressive, sucidal and yet will never hesitate to give his life for Sam and Castiel. He has every reason to be bitter to the world and yet he is the most gentlest person. I love him so much. 

SAM WINCHESTER


The boy with the demon blood, came a long way from there. He is the most terrifying yet sweetest character to exist. Sure, he went soul-less or became a demon, but he is still this little brother who believes in fairies and unicorns and loves to read books. He is the biggest geek. Sad, that he had to leave Stanford. He never had a true home. He lost his parents when he was months old. But he found home with Dean. 

We cannot ever ignore the fact that Sam loves his older brother. He looked up at his older brother. He wanted to be like his brother. Dean was his superhero. 

Take these. And one day, when you find your way back…Let these be your guide. And they can help you remember what it was to be good…what it was to love.

He trusted Dean with what he has. He looks up at him. He loves his older brother. 

Sam taught me that no matter what, have a little hope in this world. “Always keep fighting” He will always keep fighting for the world and his family and he wants the same for us. 
CASTIEL (Winchester) 


No matter how many characters go by, this angel will always be my favourite character. 

He was introduced in season 4 but yet it feels like he was there since the start. Always watching over humanity. 

Castiel is the angel, who like all the angels, considered “falling” was a sin. Yet, the moment he laid a hand on Dean in hell, he was lost. He fell in ways unimaginable. He rebelled, he hunted for the Winchesters. For the first time in billion years, he felt doubt. He learnt that heaven was nothing but a chaos. God wasn’t there anymore and it was angels who played God and ruled over other Angels. 

He found home with Dean and Sam. He fell for them. Cas lived for billions of years, he saw victory and defeat and reaped vast awards but none of them meant as much as forming relationships on earth. Sam and Dean are his family. 

Listen to me. Knowing you was the best part of my life. The things we’ve shared together, they have changed me. You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you. 

Castiel, the Angel who fell in love with humanity. The Angel who fell in love with Dean. He will do anything for Dean. No matter his life and the cost, he would fight for his family. And Castiel’s family isn’t heaven anymore. Home is where your heart is. And Cas’s heart is with the Winchesters. 
The most beautiful thing Supernatural taught us that family isn’t always where you’re born in, family is where your heart is. 💕

I will forever be in love with this show. It’s more than a show. It’s my life. 

The man who hated flying grew to love an angel.

The man who hated hunting grew to love his job with his brother.

The Angel who hated falling, fell for a man in ways unimaginable.

THEY ARE TEAM FREE WILL.

Angels are watching over you.

~ A Brahma 

Thinking Out Loud. 

Note: The title of this post is, “Thinking Out Loud”. It is the song of Ed Sheeran. And it means a lot to me.

I scribbled down some lines today. I arranged them and here I present you (still not sure what that is) – 


I don’t remember how 

I fell in love with you,

But I remember holding your hands 

And thinking how much it 

Was going to hurt when I have to let you go. 


I remember waking up to see

The sunrise together. 

Danced to “Thinking Out Loud”. 

And for the first time, 

I felt like home 

with you. 


But now I have lost my home. 

And I have become just a 

Wayward nomad,

searching for homes in 

Temporary people. 

And I know they are going

to leave me. 

And I know I am going to leave them too. 


But I am going to find many houses, 

But my home was you. 

And will always be you. 


Now I know your happiness 

resides in yourself 

And that I can never make you happy. 

That you are incapable of loving.

That you stay with who’s worth it. 

And I was never the worth. 

Ten years, I was nothing. 

As a best friend, or as a lover. 

I was nothing. 


Now, 

The bleeding has stopped,

But the scars remained. 

You have gone,

But the memories will stay. 💕

Passion and Hobbies ❤️

Today, I would like to share my passion with you all. 

My passion: Sketching ❤️

Dress designs

Sometimes, I like to draw. 

I draw stuff like anime, dress designs or something not life like. I cannot drawn human beings because I didn’t continue art school. Damn. 

Drawing makes me calm. When I am agitated or depressed, doodling makes me feel relieved. 

Drew this for Daddy.
Sketching and doodling has always been fun to me. I never was the professional. I never got any prizes or appreciations. I do “art” because I love it. 

The same way, I sing for fun. Never have I ever stood in stage or something. But I am a professional  karaoke home singer. ❤️  


I have a whole file of my art stashed in the cupboard. Wish I could show all of that to all of you but someday! Promise! 😋

Whatever. 

Peace out, people! ❤️

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