Note: It’s my version of 13 reasons why. And I sure have my list of people who will get my tapes 😏

 This is where I reveal all the reasons
For who I am today.

So here are 13 reasons why –


1. I said ‘yes’ to a game

And realised later that

I didn’t want to play anymore.

My heart screamed,

“STOP.” But they heard nothing.

I shouted for help but no one bothered.

That’s when I realised

People won’t help you unless you are their blood.


That is why I hate socialising.


2. I saw myself slowly crumbling down.

Like experiencing a free fall

Only a slowed-down version of it.

My pieces were scattered in the floor like a

Shattered glass as I added to it along the years.


That is why I am aimless.


3. I was overshadowed.

Always known by somebody’s best friend.

I never had an identity.

It’s like I was a shadow

Of my friend.

Always in the dark

And people stomping on it.


That is why nobody knows my name.


4. I rebelled once. (for a good cause)

And I was humiliated by the

Teacher in front of the whole class.

The laughter of my classmates still

Haunt me.


That is why I am timid.


5. I was touched inappropriately.

By someone who nobody expects to.

I cried and cried to withdraw me from there.

My own parents didn’t believe me.

My education was important than

The assault I was facing.

But I finally left the place after unending nightmares.


That is why I am not comfortable with physical affections.


6. I have nightmares.

They are usually of only one thing.

For someone who supposedly has

Supportive parents,

My nightmares are usually about

Getting abused by them.

I wake up crying and screaming.

I reach out to hold on to something

But there’s nothing to catch,

Only void.


That is why I feel like everybody is faking love towards me.


7. I was bullied.

My big fat lips were a joke,

Everyone loves to laugh at.

People would bully me


That my lips needs crack cream for heels.


That is why I am not confident of my physical structure.


8. I was betrayed.

My best friend promised to stay beside me,

That she wouldn’t perform for my sake.

Gave all the words that she would

Stand by me.

Only to join the function later and leave me all

Alone at home when the whole school is celebrating.

I should have known at that moment that she wasn’t a keeper.


That is why I have trust issues.


9. I failed 11th grade.

I still hear my mother crying.

Those anguish in her voice

Killed me. I was dead.

It was like a battle that I was

Destined to lose.

And that was the final blow to my confidence.

I went from over-achieving to failing.


That is why I have no hopes left.


10. I was sent to the Principal’s office.

Although many went with me. But still it doesn’t make anything better.

Like failing a subject wasn’t enough,

You are sent to the Principal’s office for

Further embarrassment.

It was not a motivation but purely insult and humiliation.

And I have experienced this so many times that

I don’t feel anything anymore.


That is why I am emotionless.


11. I was looked down by my own family.

My skin colour and my “not-so-beautiful”face

Was their burning topic.

They told me to use fairness creams to whiten myself.

They told me to straighten my slightly crooked teeth.

Why can’t they accept me the way I am?

Do you tell a flower to turn itself a white colour?

Its colour is what the flower is born with.


That is why I have severed relationship with my family.


12. I was way too dependent.

My friends became my back-bone.

They were like my oxygen tank under the sea.

And my oxygen tank was snatched and my lungs burnt.

They left.

It was like the thunder was stolen from

a cloud.


That is why I am empty.


13. I fell in love.

Gave away way too much.

Put my heart out onto the plate,

Only to be buried in the grave.

For so long I stayed there,

maggots started appearing all over my body.

But I didn’t want to go out this way.

I dug my hand out and reached out for something, for someone.

But nobody caught my hand.

As they are afraid.

Afraid, because it looks like first few

minutes of a horror story.

As I became one. A ghost. 


These are 13 reasons why I am a mess.