It still hurts when I see you. I still miss you sometimes. It hits me in the middle of the night when I’m laying alone with nothing but my thoughts. It hits me in the middle of math class when I’m working on solving an equation. It hits me anytime it wants to, but it’s happening less and less. You’re happy. It’s not because of me. I still wish that it was, but I’m happy for you. All I want is to see you happy.

I’m happy too, most of the time. I have good friends, a good life. I’m learning that I don’t need you for my happiness.

I think that this is letting go. I think that this is moving on.

It feels so good, moving on and letting go.

You know, You like to come and go in my life. You disappear when you get scared. You return when you need comfort. And each time you come back to me, I greet you with open arms. 

I pretend everything is okay, because I don’t know when you’ll run away again. 

I choose to forgive, Because I don’t want to fight. Then you leave again, without notice. 

Leaving me in the dark. 

Leaving me in the shadows. 

Leaving me in the quiet. 

Each time you disappear, It gets harder and harder, instead of easier and easier. Why Is It So Hard To Love You?

So I realised that the problem isn’t in the intensity of loving. It is in the people you are in love with. I decided to let it go, to let you go. You are as complicated as you write. Your each sentences consists of words I don’t recognise. Just like that, you are unrecognisable to me now. I don’t even know who you are and what you are. 

Falling in love with you was like starting a TV-series of which you know that there will only be one season. Watching episode after episode, pouring your heart into the characters, getting drawn into the story, despite knowing that it will come to an end all to soon, perhaps even with a major cliffhanger, without any chance of a happy ending and yet, you just cannot deny that it is worth the pain. 

It feels good to have moved on. Moving on is like pulling off a band-aid. It will hurt a little when you pull it off but you will feel relieved. It’s over. The pain is over. 

 We had fun right? I mean I laughed every day with, or at you and I know you did the same. We would spend our days apart but messages from you made me feel less alone. 

You kept it light hearted, almost as if you knew that I needed the break from my own thoughts. Our ending wasn’t your finest hour, although maybe it was who you were but I was having such a good time that I let myself suppress caution.

You are a possessive person, I know this now. But what I should have told you from the start is that I was never yours to possess. 

Sometimes I miss the conversations we used to have. Sometimes I miss how you only knew me on the surface, how I didn’t have to explain why you don’t have to worry about me. 

Cutting contact from you was hard, because you had become a constant. But it was the right thing to do, before it was taken to a place where I couldn’t look back on our time together and smile despite the ending. 

To a former flame, I am not sorry that we burnt out. Although, sometimes I wish I had of watched us burn a little longer.

And I want you to know that you ruined me. That I don’t know if I can recover from this. This isn’t me being dramatic or trying to make you feel bad, this is me putting the cards on the table and telling you that telling me you were different and that you would love me despite my flaws, and then throwing my insecurities in my face was cruel. 

You hurt be beyond repair, I will never be the same. I will mend the wounds but the scars will remain a painful memory.

I have moved on from you and I will never welcome you back to me. But what you did will always haunt me. It will come to me when I am sleeping, walking or doing anything at all. It haunts me all the time. I wake up at 1:58 am and gasp because you are choking me in my dreams. Your cold hands would lovingly wrap around my neck and without any notice, you would choke me. I am tired of these nightmares. Even if I have moved on, the scars you gave me will remain within me. 

I never knew moving on would be painful yet so ecstatic. 🌸

~A Brahma. 

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