Suddenly all of the Taylor Swift songs were about you.
I bet it never ever occurred to you that I can’t say hello to you and risk another goodbye.
I know. I know that you are much bigger mess than I am. Doesn’t mean the fact that I’m not breaking.
Never imagined we’d have a last kiss.
I have made mistakes. I have always been that stubborn little kid with ego bigger than your mind palace. I crossed the fine line between love and obsession. But trust me, for once, I repented my sins. I drowned myself in holy water and honey, for a second I thought I belonged there. I reached out to numbness and grasped it. I pulled the nothingness into myself hoping I would slowly go to sleep.
But the fact that, your life is not your own. It belongs to those who love and care about you. When you’re dead, your dead. You don’t feel it. But the people who love you will forever live with this grief.
Your life is not your own, keep your hands off it.
But there aren’t much people that love me. But then again, they don’t know me enough to love me. I have found few people who truly cares about me. They don’t even know what is actually happening, but they will make sure you’re happy, you’re eating or you’re not alone. Those are some people who aren’t your best friends but they will care for you. And there are those people, who I considered to be my best friends and they let me down. It’s not that I hate them but they successfully snatched away the person whom I truly loved since 10 damn years.
Let me tell you, you’re a hypocrite. And an asshat.
Once, I asked you to walk with me because we haven’t seen each other since days and months. I asked you and in return, I get this sadness, this heartbreak. I know, you think that you have to choose between me and them. But honey, I am someone you chose to love further. Do I have no right to ask you for something? You say, when you walk with me, then you have to walk to your home alone as I reach my home first. But that day, you chose to go with that one particular person who gets to her home before than you. Didn’t you get alone when she reached her home first? Do I not have any right to call you hypocrite?
You say, you are torn between whom to choose. You are afraid. You said, “Don’t make me choose.” But aren’t you choosing them when you walk with her or sometimes them all the damn time. When you wait for them and then leave me alone. When I have to walk alone in the lonely, winding road.
We are broken. We always have been.
Two broken people can either fit together and heal each other or break each other beyond repair.
I think we did the latter.
Sometimes, you just cannot make everybody happy. Sometimes, you have to listen to your heart. But then again, you have given your heart to your friends who will stomp on it and not care about it. You are an asshat, a hopeless romantic and an utter disaster. But I’m still struck by your beauty and your souls layering on the flesh and blood. That you’re a complicated person.
I say, you don’t spend much time with me.
They say, you don’t spend much time with them.
But think again, whom did you choose to love forever? Whom did you write all the letters to? Whom did you choose to hold hands with? Whom did you choose to see sunrise with? Whom did you choose to cuddle with?
But I guess you choose them. And I respect your decision.
You said, Be ruthless. Be strong.
And this is just me being ruthless and strong and saving myself.
I truly loved you. I cared about you. And everything went unnoticed because of your dissatisfied friends and your dissatisfied ex-girlfriend. But I learnt my mistake. I have.
The memories made since July 2nd, it was a fairytale. But apparently the world isn’t a fairytale. It’s a horror story which only ends with blood in your hands and your death. And we broke.
You complete me.
You said that. Do I really?
I don’t have the right words anymore. After all the things I have been through. I became this thing which I cannot be again. My own mother cried with me when she saw what her daughter became. No one notices my pain, my sadness. It’s because I am always happy when they talk with me. I have learnt to smile through my pain. I have this costume. You will not recognise me without it.
I wanted to die. I slept all day long without eating. I just lost my will to live.
But now, I have finally decided something.
I respected your decision of breaking up. Now respect mine. I am walking out of your life.
You’re friends with people who don’t talk with me anymore. You will have to be a pendulum. Spending time with me and then spending time with them. When you talk with me, they will be sad. And when you talk with them, I will be sad. So, to make you happy and myself happy. I want you to choose them. I am not ending our 10 long years of friendship out of spite. I am doing it for your happiness and their’s. And I know that people will talk. They always do. And that you care for what people say. But you have to care for yourself.
Eventually , you have to choose either of us. I want you to choose them. Because I know that they’ll keep you much more happier than I will ever be able to. I know. They always have.
I just want to demonstrate on how passionate I can be for someone. And looks like you’re the victim now.
Am I the obsessed one?
You came like a whirlwind, swept me off my feet. You taught me everything and enough to change all my beliefs on love. You improved every aspect of my life.
Time changes so fast. Doesn’t it?
I can’t carry on.
I wanna end this now.
Let me tell you something.
So, now I know why you want to remain friends again.
I have accused you and they have accused you, it is the same thing. And you want to give equal time to both the opposite teams. You want to make sure everything is happy. You want to keep everybody happy.
But that isn’t your job. You cannot make everyone happy. People usually give first priority to their spouse or lover. But then again, you aren’t most people. And you decided something that will keep everyone happy but trust me, they are happy with your decision. I am not.
And you should know why I don’t wanna be friends with you anymore.
(I’m being cruel to be kind)
I tried to be friends. But each time we talk, I remember your face from that night. Your face shining under the dim light. Your breath in the quiet room. Your warmth. The pain I get breaks me. I turned to this suicidal girl with no hopes to live. I broke myself into pieces that no one could heal.
But at the same time, I deserve it. I became the villain in your story and let me be one. I will remain as the villain and I will go down as a villain. I want to save myself from breaking further. Just know, I don’t hate you. I just cannot be friends with you.
And also, for your happiness, I am going away. They complain that they don’t get to spend time with you because of your obsessive lover, which is me. I am granting their wish. If you remain friends with both the sides, you will never be happy. You will never fully enjoy without hurting either of the sides. And they can make you happy. They are the type of people who will give you unconditional love and trust while I am just only a stubborn, stuBid, the “dhet-jaa” girl who didn’t understand you and never cared for you and never made you happy.
I am a dementor. I suck people’s happiness.
So, I want you to choose them. Be happy with them. And you will be happy. I know how much you’re hurting and how much pain you’re feeling and I know the mess you’ve become. And honey, you don’t know what I have become.
I respected your decision on breaking up. Now, respect my decision on not being friends with you anymore.
Class 9 begins. But the only difference is I still love you.
They’re good people. Be happy with them. I am learning to stay all alone and be content with myself. Now you don’t have to worry about my whiny-ass. You always care for people and sometimes that isn’t good. “People will talk.” But did that stop John Watson from loving Sherlock? No. He loved him more and they live happily ever after with Rosie in 221B Baker Street. And I had so many dreams about you and me, happy endings. But I was right, we will never get happy endings.
One advice, “Just stop thinking about what people will say.”
I’m sorry but I can’t hurt myself anymore.
I’ve had enough of their bullshit, your bullshit and my utter utter asshatery bullshit.
I still treasure your ring though. 💕