“It is so much easier to say that you’re anti-social or claim that you just don’t like people or pretend that you just don’t care anymore than to admit how lonely and damaged you truly feel.”
Pain is like a theif in the night. Silent and unfair. It comes and takes away everything we ever had.
Most of us are anti-social, including me, and it isn’t something you want to live with. We have trouble communicating with people and thoughts that people don’t want us or care about us creeps into our mind and wrecks our brain. We lose our outlet of letting it out. And we find solace here.
Most of the people who run blogs aren’t social butterflies. Infact, we find peace here. We find people who are like us. We find our people.
Now, how heartbreaking is the fact that we are more keen to create an empathy with people who we don’t know personally rather than those sitting next to us.
But we didn’t choose to be what we are now. You all have heard what we are from people we don’t know. You have heard what the wind told you. Let me tell you our part of story. Let me tell you everything.
Everyone of us were born with a higher purpose. After years of trying and failing, we lose hope. The world and it’s mechanism moulds us into something we aren’t. We change our path and we crash onto a dead-end. And the dead-end isn’t just a wall that doesn’t lead anywhere. For us, it’s a battlefield. To get out of there alive, we create something. A mask. To protect us. We create a mask, to protect ourselves from people. We also create a barrier, separating us from them. In the past, people have violated our barriers and entered into us like a hurricane and left us all messed up.
I say, “If Satan needs consent to enter into us then so do you.”
With the burden of our past and the pain we felt, we chose not to let people see what we truly are. We are vulnerable and weak. Failing to express ourselves, we force us to believe that we are antisocials. We believe that we are dead on the inside or that’s what we project to the people around us.
Isn’t it better to keep things to ourselves rather than getting ignored for feelings we share? Maybe or maybe not. I am too delusional to make decisions.
It isn’t beautifully tragic to have a cold demeanour. It will eat us up. With each passing year, our guilt of not being able to express ourself, will turn it’s knives against us. It will carve a wound that will be beyond healing.
From my side, I am not proud of having this mask I can’t get rid off. But, I can’t let go. I have known the pain of getting rejected by people. I have known the feeling of being ignored just because I don’t conform into typical social norms. I have known the heartbreak of being a second choice. I have felt it. I don’t want to be who I am but If I lose this mask, I will be returning to this pain. And I can’t afford to feel it, again.
Trust me, when I say being antisocial is not cool or unique. I happen to conform to this. Someday, I will disappear from this world and the world will not miss me. Leave your traces as much as you can as I leave mine in your hearts.
This piece doesn’t contain what most of the blog post does. It lacks the solution of it. Because I’ve failed to find the solution. There isn’t. It’s a choice we made by ourselves and it will be our choice till our death. I’m not proud or happy. I’m defeated.
A last message to all,
“Keep your hand over your chest. Do you feel it? Yes, It’s your purpose. Go live your life. Doesn’t matter you’re social or not, live your life how you imagine it to be.”
But then again,
Just when you think you do understand. It will turn out you’re wrong. You didn’t understand anything at all. 🌠
~Ankita Brahma ✨