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Found Love In Small Things

~ A World Of Grey ~

When a writer stops writing, you know that their heart is healed. 😊

~ Ankita Brahma is signing off, maybe forever. ❤️

SHILLONG DIARIES 🌸

Living the new life in Shillong


The main reason why I chose Meghalaya over Assam is because I wanted to be far away from the place full of heartbreaking memories but also didn’t quite want to be far away. Because those moments were beautifully tragic for me. 

I didn’t want to erase all of it but wanted to move on. How can you go back to the place that broke your heart. 

I wanted a new start and new beginning. Away from my past. A new place where nobody knows me and I am a whole new person. 

I moved to Shillong on 14 June. It wasn’t easy leaving my parents after I have lived 18 years under their wing. Independence, I didn’t experience much while living in Assam but now I am striving to live alone in this whole new city. 

I am strewing a beautiful new memory and I am loving every second of it. 

Of Course, there was language problem and the accent problem but it’s all worth it. It’s fun. Exploring new places and bonding with new people. There’s a sense of anxiety but a sense of fun too. 

And I am here to tell you my story.

SHILLONG DIARIES


14 June.
I moved to a new city and moved to a Paying Guest house. And made 2 new friends from the same place I am from: Guwahati. They are my new roommates. We immediately bonded over our language and same nerd-ness level. The scenery from the terrace was breathtaking. The clouds enveloped the mountains. It was summer but felt like winter. Blanket was a must! Missed home though! My parents and my rabbit were constantly on my mind. Missed my sweet little crazy friends. Cried a little. 

15 June 

Attended the orientation program of my new college “Lady Keane College”. The Principal acknowledged some rules and regulations to us and wished us good luck. Various HOD’s explained to us the new semester system. It was fun attending it with friends of my same old school and with new friends. We went around the college, explored places like CANTEEN (which is a new thing for me) and Library, full of non-fiction books, I cried! Also, living with roommates far away from parents and laughing endlessly on stupid things was quickly becoming my favourite memory.

We took a selfie in a library full of CCTV. Rebellious!

16 June
Classes commenced. The new semester system sounded hard and nightmare-ish. Holy crap, there are so many professors for one subject? Okay. The classes felt nostalgic and I never felt that I was in a new ambience. The professors were more like teachers teaching us, not lecturing. The most beautiful thing about colleges is BREAK in which I sit with my old and new friends and basically goof around. Plus, no ragging! That’s a huge relief. 

Wind in our hair.
Days went by. Attended college and sometimes bunked. Living with roommates and sharing everything. The PG sucked. A new experience! 

Cut to 24 June.

Went home. Parents came to pick me up from college to a short holiday to Guwahati. I was never so happy to see my parents. I couldn’t stop blabbering about my experiences to them! I reached home around 6 pm and quickly hugged my rabbit. I missed him. Although it was so hot in Guwahati, I couldn’t breathe. But it was nice to sleep in your own bed. 

25 June
Basically, spent the whole day sleeping and shopping for necessary needs. Roamed around Guwahati after so many days. Ate Mom’s food. It was heaven on earth. 

26 June 
Returned to Shillong. 

Days flew by while attending classes and practicals. 

30 June 

Chemistry practicals are fun with friends and selfies. 

2 July

It was a doomsday for me. My friends would know that! I was down and depressed. Thankfully, dad came here to occupy my mind. Me and my other two roommates decided to shift to a new PG. The whole day was spent shifting to the new PG which is near to Police Bazar. It is heaven for us. Dad returned to Guwahati. 

3 July 

New day. It was little tiring walking uphill to the college. But seeing the hustle bustle of Police Bazar on the way keeps your mind off the pain your legs are feeling. We took a lot of Polaroids. 

Fun with Polaroids

9 July

It’s really cool living with friends. And aaloo paratha in breakfast was heaven! I am blogging this today. 

And now we’re living the new life. Shopping for essential needs like mop, doormat, food. We are making memories in this new life. It’s so much fun living with friends. 

  • It is fun finding an awesome restaurant like “bade miyaan” and eating biryani calling it “sexy”. 
  • It is fun panting while climbing to college. 
  • It is fun to roam around Police Bazar and laugh all the time. 
  • It is fun eating at canteen with new and old friends.
  • It is fun sitting near the college cafeteria, take selfies and basically laugh at stupidest things. 


It is so much fun when you’re with friends. All my life, I was betrayed and healed. I lost many friends and I thought h that I was the one who failed to keep a friend. But coming here, I realised the problem wasn’t in me. It was in you all. I overcame my guilt and depression. I came here just to be far away from you, to keep you off my mind. And it worked. I am happy and enjoying this new life with my SMM friends – Aaisha, Philason and new friends- Neelakshi, Murchana, Lamiya, Bhanu Priya and so many more. 

Thank you. ❤️

Have a Art Day. 🎨

Because I am highly uninspired today. And I am having no energy to write something. 

So I am gonna share some of my sketches which are basically, mostly anime. I am an anime artist to be exact. I cannot draw “human”. Or any living being! Because I didn’t go to any art school and I don’t possess any talent. I am a synthetic artist. I practised and practised hard to be what I am now.

So, have a good day! 

Viktor and Yuri from Yuri on Ice. If you haven’t watched this anime, you are missing a huge thing from your life.
Something straight outta fashion runway!
Anime version of Belle from Beauty and the Beast!
Elsa and Anna.
Water colour ain’t really my thing.
Kaori Miyazono from Your lie in April. This anime is like TFIOS. You will be torn into shreds.
Straight outta Your lie in April Manga
Standing in a nice dress, staring at the sunset. ❤️ That’s dramatic “me” moving on.
A sad school girl. (Yep. Based on me)
I drew myself. Ofcourse, I had to hide the face because I ain’t good at human stuff remember?
Viktor and his good doggo. (Digital art is such a fun thing to do)
Naruto and Hinata. I grew up with them and they are finally married and happy with two children! 😭
Your lie in April Manga.
Note: All these art belongs to me. You can save these in your mobile but do not repost it somewhere without permission. If you wanna repost it, do mention my name. That’s the Artist Protocol. 😊

The Girl 🌸

This is a short poem written by me out of lost hope and despair. 

The Girl

 
She’s the type of girl

Who crosses the road without any care

And glides the scissors by herself

To cut her hair.

 

She’s the type of girl

Who never winces when she’s hurt

And forgets to put bandage

on her cuts.

 

She’s the type of girl

Who will crack a joke when she’s sad

And her eyes will never meet yours

Until she’s mad.

 

She’s the type of girl

Who holds the knife recklessly in her hands

As if wishing for them to

Slit through her veins.

 

She’s the type of girl

Who fails to sleep at night

Yet when her dawn starts,

Her face is always so bright.

 

She’s the type of girl

Who will keep on smiling and say she’s okay

Because in her life

People always leave her astray.

 

She’s the type of girl

Who has soundless and tearless cry.

Like a wolf howling for

Moonless sky.

~ Ankita Brahma ⚡️

The Fault in our Education System

Almost everything is wrong with our education system. There are different types of methods and techniques practised in schools and colleges all over the world. But there is one specific thing that ruins the whole system of education : the people in it. 

What has our world become? 

The Darwinian evolution theory, “Survival of the fittest” was adapted  way too deep in the education system. The best were allowed to live. And the average striving to be the best were practically invisible. It was always the best who survived. The theory of Darwin was taken by heart and society bats an eye when people choose the tragic path of suicide. The best will always survive. 

You know, there is a fine line between humiliation and motivation. Most fail to understand. You don’t motivate people by saying, “What are you going to do in your life? Wash clothes or dishes in other people house? You are nothing.” Is that what motivation is? Are you well aware of the meaning of it? Have you opened a dictionary in your whole utter meaningless life? 

Over the years, the education system evolved. And it turned into a nightmare of most people. It is so flawed and disturbing that we cannot even get out of our bed. Everything is so competitive. It feels like the one with bad choices and bad luck are not even allowed to live. The toppers who achieved 94% are crying out of disappointment because people expect a lot from them. The pressure, expectations from family, school breaks them into the point that they will not be satisfied even if they get 100%. Where did we go wrong? 

It’s true that we don’t realise what we have until we lose something. The people in school will treat you like shit. Because you’re nothing. Because they are simply better than you. The quiet kid in the back can be suffering from anxiety and you don’t force that kid to open up. It will simply make that kid more scared. You don’t have to do anything. Just stand by that kid and that kid will heal themselves. 

The truth is people will not care for you until you take drastic measures. When you kill yourself, everyone will cry for you and decorate a memorial for you. Everyone will remember the good memories of you but no one will think of how they were the reasons that drove her to kill herself. Everyone is so nice until they drive you to kill yourself. 

Let me make you understand one thing. 

When I raise my hand, that means I know the answer. When I don’t raise my hand, that means I don’t know the answer. It’s simple as that. When I raise my hand, you won’t pick me. But you will pick me up when I am not raising my hand because you love humiliation more than teaching us. 
Nobody will take this problems seriously and I will be told that everything happens for a reason. That everything school does is necessary for our life. 

NO! There are two types of pain. One that is necessary and will help you to grow. And the other is unnecessary like the weed growing in the field. It will cause you pain and pain and you’ll get nothing out of it. 

Our academic grades were always important that our mental health. The sounds of the cruel words will always haunt us. Nobody cared if we were broken. Nobody cares of your are a good person. You will always be judged according to your percentage. 

Look at our world. Look at your school for instance. 

  • Toppers cry out of disappointment. 
  • Failures aren’t even supposed to live.
  • Average people are trying their hardest to find colleges and universities that will take them. 
  • Our mental health is a joke to them. 
  • People with social anxiety are classified as shy and is forced to humiliation. 
  • YOUR GRADES ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS.

Everyone is different. Not all are the best. Everyone of us have a talent that aren’t exposed to the world because your grades and percentage and a good job matters. 

The day our education system and people in it changes, will be the day when people will come out of their shame and disappointment and will be proud of who they are. 

I hope I live long enough to see that happening. ❤️ 

13 Reasons Why. 📼

Note: It’s my version of 13 reasons why. And I sure have my list of people who will get my tapes 😏

 This is where I reveal all the reasons
For who I am today.

So here are 13 reasons why –

 

1. I said ‘yes’ to a game

And realised later that

I didn’t want to play anymore.

My heart screamed,

“STOP.” But they heard nothing.

I shouted for help but no one bothered.

That’s when I realised

People won’t help you unless you are their blood.

 

That is why I hate socialising.

 

2. I saw myself slowly crumbling down.

Like experiencing a free fall

Only a slowed-down version of it.

My pieces were scattered in the floor like a

Shattered glass as I added to it along the years.

 

That is why I am aimless.

 

3. I was overshadowed.

Always known by somebody’s best friend.

I never had an identity.

It’s like I was a shadow

Of my friend.

Always in the dark

And people stomping on it.

 

That is why nobody knows my name.

 

4. I rebelled once. (for a good cause)

And I was humiliated by the

Teacher in front of the whole class.

The laughter of my classmates still

Haunt me.

 

That is why I am timid.

 

5. I was touched inappropriately.

By someone who nobody expects to.

I cried and cried to withdraw me from there.

My own parents didn’t believe me.

My education was important than

The assault I was facing.

But I finally left the place after unending nightmares.

 

That is why I am not comfortable with physical affections.

 

6. I have nightmares.

They are usually of only one thing.

For someone who supposedly has

Supportive parents,

My nightmares are usually about

Getting abused by them.

I wake up crying and screaming.

I reach out to hold on to something

But there’s nothing to catch,

Only void.

 

That is why I feel like everybody is faking love towards me.

 

7. I was bullied.

My big fat lips were a joke,

Everyone loves to laugh at.

People would bully me

Endlessly.

That my lips needs crack cream for heels.

 

That is why I am not confident of my physical structure.

 

8. I was betrayed.

My best friend promised to stay beside me,

That she wouldn’t perform for my sake.

Gave all the words that she would

Stand by me.

Only to join the function later and leave me all

Alone at home when the whole school is celebrating.

I should have known at that moment that she wasn’t a keeper.

 

That is why I have trust issues.

 

9. I failed 11th grade.

I still hear my mother crying.

Those anguish in her voice

Killed me. I was dead.

It was like a battle that I was

Destined to lose.

And that was the final blow to my confidence.

I went from over-achieving to failing.

 

That is why I have no hopes left.

 

10. I was sent to the Principal’s office.

Although many went with me. But still it doesn’t make anything better.

Like failing a subject wasn’t enough,

You are sent to the Principal’s office for

Further embarrassment.

It was not a motivation but purely insult and humiliation.

And I have experienced this so many times that

I don’t feel anything anymore.

 

That is why I am emotionless.

 

11. I was looked down by my own family.

My skin colour and my “not-so-beautiful”face

Was their burning topic.

They told me to use fairness creams to whiten myself.

They told me to straighten my slightly crooked teeth.

Why can’t they accept me the way I am?

Do you tell a flower to turn itself a white colour?

Its colour is what the flower is born with.

 

That is why I have severed relationship with my family.

 

12. I was way too dependent.

My friends became my back-bone.

They were like my oxygen tank under the sea.

And my oxygen tank was snatched and my lungs burnt.

They left.

It was like the thunder was stolen from

a cloud.

 

That is why I am empty.

 

13. I fell in love.

Gave away way too much.

Put my heart out onto the plate,

Only to be buried in the grave.

For so long I stayed there,

maggots started appearing all over my body.

But I didn’t want to go out this way.

I dug my hand out and reached out for something, for someone.

But nobody caught my hand.

As they are afraid.

Afraid, because it looks like first few

minutes of a horror story.

As I became one. A ghost. 

 

These are 13 reasons why I am a mess.  

Stop glorifying mental illness. ✋🏼

When you’re stressed and you’re about to have a panic attack, people say, “Chill. It’s all in your head.” 

To them, I would like to say that THAT IS EXACTLY WHY IT’S CALLED “MENTAL ILLNESS” because it’s all in your head.

I am tired of people using depression as some cool word. “Omg. I am so depressed. My dad won’t let me go out to the party.” 

I am tired of people saying, “We are mentally sick” while being goofy and being a dork. 

That is not what mental illness is about. People like you who use these sensitive subjects like it’s some free chocolates you get when’s it’s someone’s birthday, is why society doesn’t take people who really are suffering from mental illness seriously. 

And you have to stop. 

We need help. And calling suicidal people “losers” or “selfish” won’t exactly help us. We are so deep in this mess that we can’t hear you. All we do is gently put out our hand from the grave hoping someone to raise us from perdition. But people are scared. All they see is a dirty hand reaching out from a grave like first few minutes of a horror movie. 

I have always noticed that when people meet with an accident, everyone will come to you with flowers and fruits and well wishes. But when people who attempts suicide, nobody will come. They will call the suicidal person “losers” and “cowards”. We aren’t losers. We are just someone who tried so hard and yet failed. We are someone who have been brave for far too long. We are someone who met with not physical but mental accident. It’s just like getting hit by a car. You don’t have any slightest idea. It’s all blur and deafening. You don’t hear people shouting “Get away from there”. You are alone in this mess. 

Depression isn’t pretty or tragically beautiful. It isn’t listening to sad music while lying on the floor. 

It’s crying so hard that you can’t breathe. It’s a mess.

 It’s vomiting because you have cried so hard. 

 It isn’t some sitting on the corner with a single tear. It’s crying until your eyes are red and puffed up and crumpling the sheets of your bed like you’re holding onto something. Fluids leak from your noses and mouths. Your pillows and bed sheets are soaked from your tears and mucus. It isn’t pretty. It is a fucking mess. 

I say it again, stop romanticising mental illness. Stop glorifying it. Come out from your narcissism and try to help those in need. 

The society needs to stop treating mentally sick people as losers. We don’t need your pity, we need help. 

Let’s make this world a little better place to live in. ❤️

Everything Hurts ⚡️

It hurts.

Because I always dream about you and me. 

My dreams are about us together and happy. 

It’s about all those moments we spent with each other.

It’s about all those quiet moments in a room full of people.

It’s about how I would lean closer to you and rest my lips on your cheek.

It’s about how you would wrap me in your arms.

And I realise how my dreams are happier than reality. 

Then I wake up and you aren’t there. 
~ A Brahma. 

Open Letter 

To people who care about me and who don’t give a shit about me,

I’m broken. It has become so obvious. Many people have pointed that out. I’m emotionally destroyed and there’s nothing to do except watch me fall apart. Everyday it gets worst, nothing ever gets better. I’m alone in this world that it’s starting to get to me. I always have to remind myself that it’s my fault for people not liking me. I am stuck-up, rude, anti-social. It’s all my fault. I’m depressed, obsessed and an asshole. There’s no one to blame but myself. It’s so hard because no one knows the real me. No one knows what I have to deal with on a daily basis. No one knows anything about me. And those who came to know a little bit about me, left me. They know me as a bubbly, cheerful and happy girl but that’s not even close to what I am. That’s just an act. That’s a lie. People always tell me to “get over it”. But how could I get over something so cruel. I will never forget how I saw my lover fall gradually in love with someone so close to me. I will never get over the words I spoke to you only to get a deafening silence. I will never forget how my mother cried for me. I will never forget how I asked you to stay and you chose that other person. I will never forget that night when I was in so much pain that I had to grab a razor and glide it across my wrist just so I could get the pain I deserved. I’ll never forget the nights I cried myself to sleep with no one to tell me that it was all going to be okay. I won’t forget the cuts on my arm that I did because I was mess. And in the ending, I deserved all of this. I never knew how to love people. I never knew how to love myself. So, don’t tell me to “get over it” when you know nothing. And I still haven’t told everything in this open letter. Do you think I like being “sad”? No, I don’t. But this sadness is all I have. This sadness has consumed me. And it’s too late to save me from it. 

Yours,

Nobody to you. 

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